Thanks so much Walt! I am touched that you read it. Several of my earlier ones aren’t quite this sad, and some are even humorous. The next one in this series is next week. Stay tuned!
A beautiful read. My first instinct is to empathize, to find a connection to my own young self and the pain I experienced. But this is not about me. This about what you experienced, felt and still feel. So, as a reader, I’m here to absorb, support and encourage you to continue this path. It’s cathartic for us both.
Beautifully written, and also very familiar. My mother died after she had a brain aneurysm or a hemorrhagic stroke; I never got the full story. She was 36, and I was nine, with an older sister and a younger brother. That was in 1964, when there really wasn’t a lot of support for bereaved children. My dad remarried 10 months later, and 10 months after that, my brother Bob was born. My stepmother was overwhelmed, angry, and abusive, and I ended up living with my aunt for a while when I was 15. I did get the help I needed over the next half lifetime, and eventually went back to school, got a masters in social work, and worked for over 20 years as a bereavement coordinator for a hospice. I recently retired after I turned 70. I agree with you about Maxine Harris’s book; it was very helpful to me as well. I also recommend “Motherless Daughters, the Legacy of Loss” for women who have lost mothers in childhood through early adulthood. You did a wonderful job of writing your story, and I plan to keep reading. Thank you!
Thanks Sue. There are so many of us out there with similar stories. That is why the Maxine Harris book was such a revelation and a help for me. I wonder how many of us went into the healing/helping arts as a result of our childhood experiences. Thank you for reading and sharing your story.
This is lovely, you have such a gift for writing. I've heard Kara refer to your stepfather, so I knew he was not great. I had to read half last night and finish this morning because to digest it all. I felt that way because yesterday I learned that a friend and neighbor had died of a heart attack overnight, early 70s like us, too young.
Thanks Julia! Move over Kara, not the only writer in the family - she’s just a billion times more prolific and talented.
To your point though, I felt compelled to write these stories (see my last one) because life is so short and you never know when you won’t have that chance anymore. Thanks for reading! And sorry about your friend.
Powerful! Is the feeling toward your stepfather regret? Or, forgiveness? My dad was emotionally and physically abusive. He died almost four years ago. I often find myself wondering what happened to him that he was so cruel? What happened to Wayne that he felt emboldened to be so cruel? Throughout all of it, the good, bad, and the ugly, you allowed your dad to lead, even if he wasn’t physically present. What a gift. Sometimes, I wonder if regrets are simply reminders that we did okay, regardless.
That is really a lovely well thought out response! I think my regret vis a vis Wayne is that I may not have given him the chance to be kinder. I doubt very much that he had the capacity, but maybe?? Regret is complex and multifaceted as I try to define it. It’s a wish that things could have been different somehow. But who knows? Maybe they might have been worse!
Lots of thoughts and memories from that time. Such poignant stories. Jacobsen was in a bachelor apartment with two others called the bachelors three. Looking forward to catching up.
Thanks for reading it. You were such an important part of my life at that time, and I will always appreciate it. I still remember you and I listening to Beatles records and trying to figure out the lyrics to the songs. I recall really messing up the lyrics to that one popular song Snoopy and the Red Baron that we played repeatedly on that Fisher hi fi at my house.
Oh, loss. Every February 13th (my dad’s birthday), I’m flooded with it. Thanks so much for your atmospheric river of paternal thoughts. Love your imagery and perspective. Way to evolve! Help me work on it.
Jeff, I follow your sister in her podcast-world (and recall you appearing with her once or twice), and she has spoken often about losing your dad when he was very young. So this fuller outline of what happened resonated with me by filling in the blanks that she never shared.
Kara has written about this often as well. She was five when he died and it was obviously pretty defining for us both. She wrote an excellent piece early in her career at the Washington post around 1989. It’s about the decision to have his bones re-interred and buried with his mother in West Virginia when she passed. I suspect it can be googled.
She did indeed! She has had an amazing run at many venerable print institutions - WP, NYT, Washington City Paper. He great skill is re-inventing herself and spotting then setting trends. She’s a force of nature!
The formatting makes her story read like a stream of consciousness, like the voice I know from her pods. It is a beautiful remembrance. Thanks so much for sharing it; now that I follow you on Substack I look forward to more of your writing. - Mark
Oh my, your feelings are so familiar. My dad died in 1967 at 48yo and my life changed forever. We had a stupid argument the night before and I felt, for the next 60 years, that I had caused his death. Talk about regret…😢
Thanks for reading. In my prior essay, the prologue, I talk about how I think about regret. It’s hard to process, isn’t it? It’s been pretty therapeutic to write about it, and if you haven’t read the Harris book, it’s really worth it.
Exquisite writing. Melancholic. Thank you for sharing.
It’s a long read, but hope you read the rest of the series. I appreciate your taking the time!
I plan on it. Thank you.
This is superb. Intense and vulnerable. Thank you for sharing such a powerful story!
What a beautiful piece! It touched my heart.
Thanks so much Walt! I am touched that you read it. Several of my earlier ones aren’t quite this sad, and some are even humorous. The next one in this series is next week. Stay tuned!
A beautiful read. My first instinct is to empathize, to find a connection to my own young self and the pain I experienced. But this is not about me. This about what you experienced, felt and still feel. So, as a reader, I’m here to absorb, support and encourage you to continue this path. It’s cathartic for us both.
I love that word, catharsis. That is exactly what it is.
Beautifully written, and also very familiar. My mother died after she had a brain aneurysm or a hemorrhagic stroke; I never got the full story. She was 36, and I was nine, with an older sister and a younger brother. That was in 1964, when there really wasn’t a lot of support for bereaved children. My dad remarried 10 months later, and 10 months after that, my brother Bob was born. My stepmother was overwhelmed, angry, and abusive, and I ended up living with my aunt for a while when I was 15. I did get the help I needed over the next half lifetime, and eventually went back to school, got a masters in social work, and worked for over 20 years as a bereavement coordinator for a hospice. I recently retired after I turned 70. I agree with you about Maxine Harris’s book; it was very helpful to me as well. I also recommend “Motherless Daughters, the Legacy of Loss” for women who have lost mothers in childhood through early adulthood. You did a wonderful job of writing your story, and I plan to keep reading. Thank you!
Thanks Sue. There are so many of us out there with similar stories. That is why the Maxine Harris book was such a revelation and a help for me. I wonder how many of us went into the healing/helping arts as a result of our childhood experiences. Thank you for reading and sharing your story.
This is such a wonderful,piece Jeff. So evocative and thoughtful. I loved it. Keep writing please
This is lovely, you have such a gift for writing. I've heard Kara refer to your stepfather, so I knew he was not great. I had to read half last night and finish this morning because to digest it all. I felt that way because yesterday I learned that a friend and neighbor had died of a heart attack overnight, early 70s like us, too young.
Thanks Julia! Move over Kara, not the only writer in the family - she’s just a billion times more prolific and talented.
To your point though, I felt compelled to write these stories (see my last one) because life is so short and you never know when you won’t have that chance anymore. Thanks for reading! And sorry about your friend.
Regret 2 is my next read
Beautiful writing and vulnerable storytelling. I hope you're finding some healing through it all. We sure are finding community and beauty here.
Wow. If this is only part one out of four, I can't imagine what else you have locked away.
Next story will be out this weekend! Thanks for reading!
Powerful! Is the feeling toward your stepfather regret? Or, forgiveness? My dad was emotionally and physically abusive. He died almost four years ago. I often find myself wondering what happened to him that he was so cruel? What happened to Wayne that he felt emboldened to be so cruel? Throughout all of it, the good, bad, and the ugly, you allowed your dad to lead, even if he wasn’t physically present. What a gift. Sometimes, I wonder if regrets are simply reminders that we did okay, regardless.
That is really a lovely well thought out response! I think my regret vis a vis Wayne is that I may not have given him the chance to be kinder. I doubt very much that he had the capacity, but maybe?? Regret is complex and multifaceted as I try to define it. It’s a wish that things could have been different somehow. But who knows? Maybe they might have been worse!
Lots of thoughts and memories from that time. Such poignant stories. Jacobsen was in a bachelor apartment with two others called the bachelors three. Looking forward to catching up.
Thanks for reading it. You were such an important part of my life at that time, and I will always appreciate it. I still remember you and I listening to Beatles records and trying to figure out the lyrics to the songs. I recall really messing up the lyrics to that one popular song Snoopy and the Red Baron that we played repeatedly on that Fisher hi fi at my house.
I wonder if Marty J is still with us?? He would be over 90 I think?
Oh, loss. Every February 13th (my dad’s birthday), I’m flooded with it. Thanks so much for your atmospheric river of paternal thoughts. Love your imagery and perspective. Way to evolve! Help me work on it.
Anytime Marianne! Thanks for reading!!
Beautiful dad! ♥️
Thanks sweetie!
Jeff, I follow your sister in her podcast-world (and recall you appearing with her once or twice), and she has spoken often about losing your dad when he was very young. So this fuller outline of what happened resonated with me by filling in the blanks that she never shared.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading, Mark!
Kara has written about this often as well. She was five when he died and it was obviously pretty defining for us both. She wrote an excellent piece early in her career at the Washington post around 1989. It’s about the decision to have his bones re-interred and buried with his mother in West Virginia when she passed. I suspect it can be googled.
Next installment coming soon!
Best,
Jeff
Here it is https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/lifestyle/1989/08/20/my-fathers-homecoming/7450d208-9a4d-40ec-9daa-5d2de36aba23/
Thanks for the link. I only know Kara from the “pods” though I know she started her career in the “Guttenberg” era. 🤣
She did indeed! She has had an amazing run at many venerable print institutions - WP, NYT, Washington City Paper. He great skill is re-inventing herself and spotting then setting trends. She’s a force of nature!
The formatting makes her story read like a stream of consciousness, like the voice I know from her pods. It is a beautiful remembrance. Thanks so much for sharing it; now that I follow you on Substack I look forward to more of your writing. - Mark
Oh my, your feelings are so familiar. My dad died in 1967 at 48yo and my life changed forever. We had a stupid argument the night before and I felt, for the next 60 years, that I had caused his death. Talk about regret…😢
Thanks for reading. In my prior essay, the prologue, I talk about how I think about regret. It’s hard to process, isn’t it? It’s been pretty therapeutic to write about it, and if you haven’t read the Harris book, it’s really worth it.
Best!
Jeff
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing, Jeffrey.
Thanks Jeremy! Next installment sometime next week!