Incredible. We discussed your feelings about how you left things with John - but this essay is pure self awareness in addition to exceptional literature. I winced just like Doug...wow. To have carried this for years is a heavy load - but to have learned so much from it is the height of being human.
Thank you for this powerful piece of writing and memoir. The regret you expressed is deep and real and your telling of the story helps me (all of us) deal with our own regrets for commissions and omissions. We can only do better when we know better. Again, thank you.
Thanks Toni. I really appreciate your reading it. John’s story needs to be told by anybody who knew him. He was an extraordinary person, like so many of the people who left us far too young.
Jeff, your writing is so beautiful, profound and authentic. It's also something everyone can relate to - we all have someone we weren't there for in the way we should have been and carry that regret and shame with us. You've written a wonderful tribute to your friend. I'm quite sure it's somehow reached him. And he and forgives you. Give yourself grace. You've made up for it in spades with all the people you've helped over so many years.
That is so kind of you Laurie! A lot of what I do for others as a physician is with John in mind. It keeps me focused on what’s important and what can be left aside. Grace is attainable through service as you well know. You are a prime example of this. Thanks as always for reading. Next installment coming soon! Also so happy to see Alex sharing his gifts as a teacher. Hard to believe how time has passed!
Been waiting for this one. That picture of John breaks my heart. Such a loss. The repression around sexuality during our high school years and in our social circle was so deep, that "nobody was gay"... until they went to college. So I understand your denial around this. I also can relate to tensions with some high school female friends that made so much sense when I eventually learned they were gay. Was the ignorance willful or something else? And I remember how, when the word got out that John was gay, one of our mothers refused to accept his sexuality, and even suggested that we should somehow seduce him into being straight. The last time I saw him, gaunt from his illness, was at my wedding about a year before he died. I loved John and miss him to this day. Thanks for this.
This was tough to read but really stayed with me. I had a close friend in college who came out to me during a road trip, and I handled it badly. I didn’t mean to, I just froze. I didn’t say what he needed to hear. I wasn’t unkind, but I wasn’t kind enough either. We stayed in touch for a while after that, but it was never the same. And eventually the distance turned into silence.
Reading this brought all of that back. Not in a bad way, just in a way that reminded me how those little moments matter. When someone is trying to share the deepest part of themselves and we look away or say something dumb, even if we don’t mean harm, it sticks. Maybe forever.
What stood out most to me was how clearly you owned your part in it. You didn’t excuse it or over-explain it. You just told it like it happened, and that’s what made it powerful. You told the truth. And it gave John his voice back, in a way.
He sounds like someone who made a real impact, and it means a lot that you're still telling his story. Some friendships shape us, even when we don’t get the ending right. Thank you for putting this out into the world.
Thanks for reading the story, Bianca! Several people have commented to me that they had similar stories. I guess it is a common response, and maybe it was more so years ago. The best part of me getting this story out there is that I have reconnected with John’s family and with friends who knew him in high school and college. John’s father just passed after a long and very impactful life, and I am glad he was able to read it and see how much John was loved and how important he was to so many people. He was a miraculous and talented young man and deserves to be remembered for a long time.
Thank you for sharing this with me, Jeff. I’m truly glad to hear that you were finally able to reconnect with John’s family. I can only imagine what it must have meant to his father, reading your words and realizing that his son’s story is still being told,not out of obligation, but out of love and memory.
And yes, I think so many of us were just caught off guard back then. It was like no one ever gave us the language or the space to respond with grace, so we just stumbled our way through it. Reading your piece made me realize that regret doesn’t have to be the final chapter. Speaking the truth, even years later, still matters. And you did that.
Beautifully written. Thank you for writing down your story, as I knew nothing about this particular regret. And you think you know a guy…. I have so much more to learn from and about you, I am sure. Unfortunately, there will be no more sleepovers at Sarah and Rahul’s place; they moved to Concord, MA in February. We will have to find other ways to reunite.
I noticed you left out the part that the reason Doug cut out the Izod alligators was because you smashed his BeeGees records.;) I too held some regrettable attitudes vis-a-vis the BeeGees until I saw the love of my life moved to tears as we watched a documentary together on the lives and careers of the Gibbs brothers. I’m off to read your Part III.😘
I smashed his BeeGees records?!?! When did I do that? I have zero memory of doing that. I may have made his Samantha Sang record go “missing” but I think he is telling you a tall-tale about the BeeGees.
Thanks for reading. That was a tough one to write. I can only say that Doug was always a moral compass for me and my life was changed so much for the better at having had him as my roommate…despite his lack of musical taste.
This essay is a beautiful tribute to your friend. The line "no one was gay until college" was still true in my group of high school friends and that was in the mid 90s. My Gen Z kids have a lot of gay friends and discuss sexuality openly. We all have moments we wish we could take back and you are brave to share one of yours. Looking forward to reading more from you.
Thank you Bethley, and sorry for my delayed reply. I was in high school in the 70’s and this was a topic that was just not discussed. So glad that kids today are as open and accepting as they are. It’s much healthier.
Yeah, it’s a horrible feeling isn’t it? But, as I am in the process of doing by writing this, there has to be room for forgiveness. I am sure my friend would want that for me as I am sure your friend would want the same.
Thank you for sharing this, Jeff. Those of us who came into adulthood at that time all faced uncomfortable truths about friends, family, classmates, and acquaintances. I have similar feelings as you about someone close to my family growing up who died of AIDS around the same time. Although I knew of his sexuality and accepted it, it prevented me from fully embracing him for who he was and I created a distance between us solely based on my own discomfort. He also died after years of no contact, and the regret you expressed so eloquently is very familiar. I do think it was a function of when we experienced these failures of our compassionate selves that allowed, and perhaps even forced, us to turn away rather than toward people we loved and who deserved our respect and generosity. I know you to be an extremely caring physician and can’t imagine you showing bigotry or even disregard for anyone because of their sexuality or life choices. We are who we are at least in part because of when and where and with whom we grow with, live with, learn from, and share our lives with. And hopefully, we can grow and become better for our shortcomings and our painful lessons, rather than being defined by them. Your piece is beautiful, and I applaud your openness and honesty in sharing it.
Thanks so much for reading this Kyle! It was hard to write and has been weighing on my mind for a long time. I agree with you that I imagine there are many of us “of a certain age” (we are getting older!) with similar stories. I really appreciate your comments. My next story is dropping soon. More medical than the last one.
I hope you are doing well. Your name came up the other day and I was thinking how much I enjoyed working with you. I have a few more years and then plan on writing more and working way less!
That is exactly what it was. And I have reconnected with several people who knew John as well, so that was amazing. Thanks again for reading. Next story is coming this week.
I hope that reconnecting with friends from so many years ago will help ease your guilt as you share your stories. Don’t ever forget that young men are emotionally immature. Don’t judge yourself by who you are now, but by who you were then.
If Louie is any indication, your family is in great shape. Enjoy the day, heading to my bday lunch w daughter & 1yo g-daughter. Instant endorphins from that sweet child.
She is a force of nature for sure. Always has been! I am very much looking forward to seeing what the next generation of our family does. My daughter is a wonderful writer, and the rest of the kids (young adults, lol) are pretty terrific too!
Jeff, you may not remember me, but I'm a childhood friend of Kara's from our PDS years (I was her annoying friend who spent the night sometimes when we were in 5th or 6th grade before my family moved away to Washington DC). I've followed Kara and her writing, and came upon one of your posts on Threads (but I've since gotten off all social media except IG, because of the current crappy political climate and because I need to preserve my mental health).
I knew of John, because I remained in close touch with PDS Class of 1980 classmates. In reading your piece this morning, I'm reminded of my own experience with a classmate from St. Albans School in DC (I attended National Cathedral School, STA's sister school). You and I had eerily similar experiences -- and responses -- to friends who took a leap of faith to come out to us, and who ultimately passed away from AIDS. Like you, I have so many regrets that I've held onto for years. Thank you for sharing your story, and for your vulnerability. -- Sophie Carpenter Speidel
Hey Sophie!! Of course I remember you. It’s been a while and I hope you are well! Are you still in DC? Kara is there now. I have been in Marin for over thirty years now, so I am pretty sure I am not going anywhere unless things get really crazy in this country.
So interesting that you had a similar experience. Those were different times for sure. John was an amazing person and I miss him terribly. He would have been such a force had he lived as he was when he was a young man.
My next piece will be out in a few weeks. It’s about two young patients I took care of in the ICU when I was a resident. Let me know what you think!
Incredible. We discussed your feelings about how you left things with John - but this essay is pure self awareness in addition to exceptional literature. I winced just like Doug...wow. To have carried this for years is a heavy load - but to have learned so much from it is the height of being human.
Thanks Stephen. I am glad you liked it. It was tough to write.
Thanks Irene. He was a special person and deserves to be remembered. I hope I captured his spirit.
The next installment in this series is almost done. Hoping to post it this weekend!
Thank you for this powerful piece of writing and memoir. The regret you expressed is deep and real and your telling of the story helps me (all of us) deal with our own regrets for commissions and omissions. We can only do better when we know better. Again, thank you.
Thanks Toni. I really appreciate your reading it. John’s story needs to be told by anybody who knew him. He was an extraordinary person, like so many of the people who left us far too young.
Jeff, your writing is so beautiful, profound and authentic. It's also something everyone can relate to - we all have someone we weren't there for in the way we should have been and carry that regret and shame with us. You've written a wonderful tribute to your friend. I'm quite sure it's somehow reached him. And he and forgives you. Give yourself grace. You've made up for it in spades with all the people you've helped over so many years.
That is so kind of you Laurie! A lot of what I do for others as a physician is with John in mind. It keeps me focused on what’s important and what can be left aside. Grace is attainable through service as you well know. You are a prime example of this. Thanks as always for reading. Next installment coming soon! Also so happy to see Alex sharing his gifts as a teacher. Hard to believe how time has passed!
Been waiting for this one. That picture of John breaks my heart. Such a loss. The repression around sexuality during our high school years and in our social circle was so deep, that "nobody was gay"... until they went to college. So I understand your denial around this. I also can relate to tensions with some high school female friends that made so much sense when I eventually learned they were gay. Was the ignorance willful or something else? And I remember how, when the word got out that John was gay, one of our mothers refused to accept his sexuality, and even suggested that we should somehow seduce him into being straight. The last time I saw him, gaunt from his illness, was at my wedding about a year before he died. I loved John and miss him to this day. Thanks for this.
My heart will always be broken over this. I wish I was a better person.
You ARE a better person.
Thanks Lydia. It was a worse time then. John was a fine fellow and shouldn’t have died.
This was tough to read but really stayed with me. I had a close friend in college who came out to me during a road trip, and I handled it badly. I didn’t mean to, I just froze. I didn’t say what he needed to hear. I wasn’t unkind, but I wasn’t kind enough either. We stayed in touch for a while after that, but it was never the same. And eventually the distance turned into silence.
Reading this brought all of that back. Not in a bad way, just in a way that reminded me how those little moments matter. When someone is trying to share the deepest part of themselves and we look away or say something dumb, even if we don’t mean harm, it sticks. Maybe forever.
What stood out most to me was how clearly you owned your part in it. You didn’t excuse it or over-explain it. You just told it like it happened, and that’s what made it powerful. You told the truth. And it gave John his voice back, in a way.
He sounds like someone who made a real impact, and it means a lot that you're still telling his story. Some friendships shape us, even when we don’t get the ending right. Thank you for putting this out into the world.
Thanks for reading the story, Bianca! Several people have commented to me that they had similar stories. I guess it is a common response, and maybe it was more so years ago. The best part of me getting this story out there is that I have reconnected with John’s family and with friends who knew him in high school and college. John’s father just passed after a long and very impactful life, and I am glad he was able to read it and see how much John was loved and how important he was to so many people. He was a miraculous and talented young man and deserves to be remembered for a long time.
He’d
Thank you for sharing this with me, Jeff. I’m truly glad to hear that you were finally able to reconnect with John’s family. I can only imagine what it must have meant to his father, reading your words and realizing that his son’s story is still being told,not out of obligation, but out of love and memory.
And yes, I think so many of us were just caught off guard back then. It was like no one ever gave us the language or the space to respond with grace, so we just stumbled our way through it. Reading your piece made me realize that regret doesn’t have to be the final chapter. Speaking the truth, even years later, still matters. And you did that.
Beautifully written. Thank you for writing down your story, as I knew nothing about this particular regret. And you think you know a guy…. I have so much more to learn from and about you, I am sure. Unfortunately, there will be no more sleepovers at Sarah and Rahul’s place; they moved to Concord, MA in February. We will have to find other ways to reunite.
I noticed you left out the part that the reason Doug cut out the Izod alligators was because you smashed his BeeGees records.;) I too held some regrettable attitudes vis-a-vis the BeeGees until I saw the love of my life moved to tears as we watched a documentary together on the lives and careers of the Gibbs brothers. I’m off to read your Part III.😘
I smashed his BeeGees records?!?! When did I do that? I have zero memory of doing that. I may have made his Samantha Sang record go “missing” but I think he is telling you a tall-tale about the BeeGees.
Thanks for reading. That was a tough one to write. I can only say that Doug was always a moral compass for me and my life was changed so much for the better at having had him as my roommate…despite his lack of musical taste.
This essay is a beautiful tribute to your friend. The line "no one was gay until college" was still true in my group of high school friends and that was in the mid 90s. My Gen Z kids have a lot of gay friends and discuss sexuality openly. We all have moments we wish we could take back and you are brave to share one of yours. Looking forward to reading more from you.
Thank you Bethley, and sorry for my delayed reply. I was in high school in the 70’s and this was a topic that was just not discussed. So glad that kids today are as open and accepting as they are. It’s much healthier.
I deeply regret that I never saw a very dear family friend as he was dying. To this day I feel wretched about it.
Thank you for sharing so poignantly
Yeah, it’s a horrible feeling isn’t it? But, as I am in the process of doing by writing this, there has to be room for forgiveness. I am sure my friend would want that for me as I am sure your friend would want the same.
I take that experience to make different decisions today- including that I will be training to become a palliative doula 💜
That sounds like an excellent career path. You will be helping people tremendously.
Thank you for sharing this, Jeff. Those of us who came into adulthood at that time all faced uncomfortable truths about friends, family, classmates, and acquaintances. I have similar feelings as you about someone close to my family growing up who died of AIDS around the same time. Although I knew of his sexuality and accepted it, it prevented me from fully embracing him for who he was and I created a distance between us solely based on my own discomfort. He also died after years of no contact, and the regret you expressed so eloquently is very familiar. I do think it was a function of when we experienced these failures of our compassionate selves that allowed, and perhaps even forced, us to turn away rather than toward people we loved and who deserved our respect and generosity. I know you to be an extremely caring physician and can’t imagine you showing bigotry or even disregard for anyone because of their sexuality or life choices. We are who we are at least in part because of when and where and with whom we grow with, live with, learn from, and share our lives with. And hopefully, we can grow and become better for our shortcomings and our painful lessons, rather than being defined by them. Your piece is beautiful, and I applaud your openness and honesty in sharing it.
Thanks so much for reading this Kyle! It was hard to write and has been weighing on my mind for a long time. I agree with you that I imagine there are many of us “of a certain age” (we are getting older!) with similar stories. I really appreciate your comments. My next story is dropping soon. More medical than the last one.
I hope you are doing well. Your name came up the other day and I was thinking how much I enjoyed working with you. I have a few more years and then plan on writing more and working way less!
All the best!
Jeff
Thanks Jeff. It was mutual. I look forward to your next installment! All the best.
You are everyone, and we are fortunate to learn and love despite our shortcomings
Thanks so much for reading it. Next one coming soon!
Wow. That was the most open and compelling story I have ever read. It was eloquent and heartfelt. May his memory be a blessing.
Thanks Ellen. I think about him every day. The world is poorer for his absence. If this story will preserve his memory even a little it was worth it.
What a touching memoir.
Thank you!
Thanks for this Jeffrey. It is clear now that there is another gifted communicator in the Swisher clan.
Thanks Russell! Kara is a phenomenon. I am really proud to be her brother.
This must have been so hard to write, I hope it was cathartic. Beautifully written, thank you for sharing.
Happy Birthday! I am still waiting on grandchildren (and marriages!) My wife tells me to be patient. Have a great day!
That is exactly what it was. And I have reconnected with several people who knew John as well, so that was amazing. Thanks again for reading. Next story is coming this week.
I hope that reconnecting with friends from so many years ago will help ease your guilt as you share your stories. Don’t ever forget that young men are emotionally immature. Don’t judge yourself by who you are now, but by who you were then.
If Louie is any indication, your family is in great shape. Enjoy the day, heading to my bday lunch w daughter & 1yo g-daughter. Instant endorphins from that sweet child.
p.s. Listening to Kara’s pod about buying the Post. Your fam is awesome.
She is a force of nature for sure. Always has been! I am very much looking forward to seeing what the next generation of our family does. My daughter is a wonderful writer, and the rest of the kids (young adults, lol) are pretty terrific too!
Jeff, you may not remember me, but I'm a childhood friend of Kara's from our PDS years (I was her annoying friend who spent the night sometimes when we were in 5th or 6th grade before my family moved away to Washington DC). I've followed Kara and her writing, and came upon one of your posts on Threads (but I've since gotten off all social media except IG, because of the current crappy political climate and because I need to preserve my mental health).
I knew of John, because I remained in close touch with PDS Class of 1980 classmates. In reading your piece this morning, I'm reminded of my own experience with a classmate from St. Albans School in DC (I attended National Cathedral School, STA's sister school). You and I had eerily similar experiences -- and responses -- to friends who took a leap of faith to come out to us, and who ultimately passed away from AIDS. Like you, I have so many regrets that I've held onto for years. Thank you for sharing your story, and for your vulnerability. -- Sophie Carpenter Speidel
Hey Sophie!! Of course I remember you. It’s been a while and I hope you are well! Are you still in DC? Kara is there now. I have been in Marin for over thirty years now, so I am pretty sure I am not going anywhere unless things get really crazy in this country.
So interesting that you had a similar experience. Those were different times for sure. John was an amazing person and I miss him terribly. He would have been such a force had he lived as he was when he was a young man.
My next piece will be out in a few weeks. It’s about two young patients I took care of in the ICU when I was a resident. Let me know what you think!